Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I've written a few well thought out blogs. Figured it's time to just sit here and let a few "feelings" fall onto the "page." My fingers have been a bit frozen this month so I don't know how well this is going to go. May just sound like "blah, blah, blah." But that would pretty much capture how I'm feeling. Guess I've gotten overwhelmed with the unknowns, the expenses, the tests, and the emotions.

Feeling particularly sad this week watching my friends reach their due dates and remembering how I'd already been trying for a couple years when they announced their pregnancies...and then another 9 months roll by. Blah. Feeling sad watching Ethan's delight in having his Grandmother here (a constant playmate and someone to share his room with). Why God hasn't given him a sibling, I'll never know.

Feeling sad that it's been a whole year of natural trying since we started 3 months of pretty intense treatment in Israel. Heading back to Israel in a couple weeks and sad that I'm STILL NOT pregnant. Wondering if it will be years. Wondering how long I can be hopeful and how long I can have faith. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. Tired of being thankful. REALLY wanting a little baby to squish and love and smother with kisses. Thankfully Ethan still lets me moosh him and he gives me lots of precious snuggles!

So there you have it friends. I'm not inspiring and strong and I do struggle to write. I'm blah. I have very sad days and very happy contented days. It all depends on the day and the time of the month! ;)

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