Friday, September 30, 2011

It Will Be Worth It All

Been thinking a lot lately about how much a woman will go through for the love of a child. I have friends who stayed sick during the entire 9 months of pregnancy and friends who were on bed rest for 9 months. Just when I want to feel sorry for myself about all the injections, ultrasounds, and blood work...just when I want to feel completely overwhelmed, I remember what this is all about. Even if I didn't want this for myself or for David; I want to give the gift of a sibling to Ethan. And for Ethan, and for the child that we will love so much someday, I'll do anything and persevere through anything. By the grace of God, I will walk through this challenging season with courage and with hope and I'll keep my heart set on what really matters. There are things in life worth making great sacrifices for and I can think of nothing greater than a child. So on my hard days, this little blog is going to be my cheerleader....reminding me that I can do this because someday, it will all be worth it. Even if we never have another child, I will know that I tried my best to bring life into this world and love the lives that are already here.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


And time keeps moving...
I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with working full-time and trying to keep everything running in my home. I'm on the path to getting everything organized so that I can better manage my time at home--a place for everything and everything in its place makes a world of difference when you don't have time to straighten up!

They say doing infertility treatment is a full-time job and I can see why some women have to quit their jobs to make it work.  I guess this fall will be a crazy juggling act for me. I've still decided not to talk about everything in "real" time. People have sent me private messages and asked how everything is going and I do welcome that. I just don't feel like making the whole process public. I do appreciate everyone's well wishes and prayers. It's been a long road and we still have a long road ahead of us.

At least I feel more resigned to our current situation. I can't say that I love it, but I'm at peace with my life. I know that God has only the best in mind for our family and I'm working to trust Him for our future. No matter what the circumstances, we all our faced with our trials of faith. I told David tonight that I wish I could make myself feel how I'm supposed to feel. I wish that when I needed to be content, I could just snap a finger and FEEL it and when I needed to be hopeful, I would be FILLED with hope. I do know I can pray and ask God to give me the emotional responses I need. It is also a choice and not always something I will be able to feel. So, I'm choosing to hope but I'm not feeling it right now. I'm choosing to have faith that whatever happens, it will be okay...definitely not feeling that one. And I'm trying to believe that all the details will work out even though I can't see how! I'm being stretched and I've never enjoyed stretching. I have learned that I'm better equipped for the hard stuff in life when God has done some pruning of my heart and soul.

I feel very sensitive these days....feel incredibly angry at those who dispose of babies. I read an article last week about a mother who suffocated her twin boys immediately after delivering them at home. All I could do was weep....but I wasn't just sad; I was so angry at the brokenness in this world. Some people have thanked me for so delicately handling this topic of infertility. These days, I don't feel very gracious. I walk by Planned Parenthood volunteers and just want to puke on their shoes...the thoughts that run through my head are not very nice. I don't want to be bitter but I simply have zero tolerance for killing tolerance for parents abandoning parenting. I hope with more time, I will find a more compassionate way to deal with these issues. All my heart feels right now is the sadness of wanting another child and the disbelief that others could throw away such a miracle. Meanwhile, Ethan keeps asking for a baby...the other night he asked if we could go buy baby toys for a baby brother. :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Returning to My Blog

When you haven't blogged in so long that you can't remember your log in information, that's not a good sign! Honestly, I have had a very challenging summer and haven't felt like writing about it. I wish I could journal through all the ups and downs but it's hard for me to write when I'm struggling.

Overall, I'm still much more at peace and settled than I've been in years. I'm very thankful for the child I have and for my dear husband and our life in Boston. After months of grueling job searching, I finally got hired in the Brookline Public School district. My job is working as a 1:1 Special Education Aide and due to very strict confidentiality laws, I will not be blogging much about my work. I'm very thankful for the job as we're finally finding ways to live on a very tight budget but make it here.

We enrolled Ethan in a Jewish preschool and he's very excited about his first day on Monday. Friday he went with David for a short session and he was asked to make the first song request....of course it would be his favorite bedtime song, "Jesus Loves Me." At least all the parents laughed and the teacher handled it brilliantly by affirming Ethan and saying, "I don't know that song but you can sing it to me later!" Ethan was satisfied with the answer and went on to request a different one. We're thankful for the opportunity to expose him more broadly to Jewish culture and traditions and even some Hebrew. And since we share the same values as our friends at this Temple, we're very thankful to be able to send him there.

Getting hired means I have to go back to the drawing board on choosing insurance companies and make a decision by this Monday. I will hopefully be going forward with treatment (IVF) this fall but I also don't feel like blogging about those details. I think I'll try to journal my experience privately to share more publicly later. I just know it's going to be very emotionally and physically draining for me and I don't need an audience anticipating pregnancy with me. I've even chosen not to share with our families. It's hard. Infertility takes some of the joy out of the anticipation of trying and the surprises that follow.

My biggest fear at this point, is coming this far and waiting this long, and then even IVF not working for us. All in all, I trust God's plan and purposes for our family. I feel loved and I feel blessed even though I haven't gotten everything I wanted in this life. I've been given far more than most people in this world, so I really can't complain. I'm just learning to accept that my heart will always ache for more children and  I will probably always have keen radar for pregnant bellies and newborns. It's hard to believe that Ethan is approaching 4 years old and we still have no idea when, if ever, he will have a sibling. This is all I can write without a stream of tears tonight.