Yesterday I broke my silence. Today I woke up with laryngitis. Funny, right?! Actually, I woke up with both physical and emotional laryngitis. The first thought as I was waking was, "Oh my...ouch...I really put myself out there!" Then I lay in bed thinking about all the private messages I got from girlfriends struggling in silence, and I remembered why my own struggle pushed me to the brink of spilling my guts to everyone. One friend wrote, "I feel so ashamed as if something is wrong with me... at the same time, I don't want people to feel sorry for me either." --Sigh--It is for women such as these that I've started this blog.
You see, my story is not unique or special...it's pretty ordinary in my opinion. I know people who have waited 10 years and a whole lifetime for children. I have friends that have lost multiple pregnancies and friends that have lost babies and children. This fall, I prayed for a 28 year old who died after a miscarriage at 20 weeks pregnant with twins....3 lives we're lost in the span of a week. Their pain and their journey is beyond my comprehension.
Today was the Walker Live for Today event in Brentwood TN. I've been following the blog of this young mother for a couple months now. After giving birth to a stillborn baby girl in December, she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer which had also spread to her liver. She has a story. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarawalker
I am just a voice. I am a voice of infertility and more specifically, secondary infertility. I am a voice of women around the globe that ache for children. I don't care if you've been trying for 3 months or 30 years, I sympathize with you. Most of us can find someone with a story much more difficult than our own and most of the time we're thankful for our problems and wouldn't ask for the burdens of others. But each person has the right, and the need, to feel the pain they feel and express it in the way they need to express it. I'm here to say that if you shed tears because you long for a child, there are many other women who will cry with you. And I'm hear to let the people on the "outside" of infertility know that this is a painful journey and they can be supportive and sensitive to a couple's pain.
Today was a GREAT day. I enjoyed my family. We "park hopped" around Boston and we ate Mexican for lunch and Nepalese food for dinner. I prayed for Sarah Walker and I wore the T-shirt for their run, and I thanked God again that her battle with cancer has taught me to savor my life. Ethan is sitting beside me on the couch in his footie-pjs and he's fallen asleep on my shoulder. I believe in miracles and I hope for more kids. One of the reasons I never shared our struggle is that I was afraid that I would get pregnant the second I did open up and then look stupid. I'm not afraid anymore. I want to be a voice that raises awareness of a tough subject and brings sensitivity to the women who so desperately need it. Today, two different people asked me if we wanted more kids. They got more than they wanted to hear I'm sure...."Yes, I do. I want all the children that God will give me."
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