Thursday, July 14, 2011

Summer Writer's Block

Breaking my silence was one hurdle, but continuing to speak is a much bigger one for me! I find that as I struggle through decisions and processing all the emotions, I would much rather be silent. I have always thought of myself as someone who "thinks out-loud" but on this topic, it seems much, much more difficult. Part of it is the judgements I feel from others and part of it is my own confusion over everything.  What I feel strongly about one day, changes the next and what I'm absolutely sure about one month, I waver on the next. Thank you hormones!

We did a lot of travel this summer and before it all started, I had a good doctor's report. I had all my testing repeated and the "numbers" looked much better this time around, indicating that I am NOT in early ovarian failure, or as the doctor put it, "surprisingly, it appears that you are not in early ovarian failure." I asked her to repeat that again and smiled to myself at the months of prayers...begging God to extend my fertile years!  Hearing that news was relieving and allowed us to move on with our busy summer, not feeling anxious to start treatment.

But here I am, staring at the end of summer, knowing it's been 3 years of "trying", and needing to make big decisions about insurance policies, career direction, and preschools for E. As I'm weighing all my options, Ethan is asking almost weekly if we can get a baby boy AND a girl! At first we redirected all his inquiries but now we've started telling him that he can pray and ask God for a baby and that we would love one too! It's one thing to deal with your own desire for children, but another thing to cope with your child's desire too. I don't want to dismiss his hopes so now we're learning to hope together as a family, submitting all our desires to the One, and Only, who made us all!

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