Sunday, July 24, 2011

Getting My Feelings On My Sleeve

Been doing a lot of thinking lately and been bad about blogging. My blog is supposed to be therapeutic for me, as journaling is widely recommended for women dealing with infertility. Problem is, I journal in my head! When I do gush out my feelings, I'm terrified at how they will be last blog for example. I almost didn't post it when warned that I would get a lot of hateful comments if I wrote about something as controversial as abortion. But I stuck with my gut. If this blog is for me, and this blog is about my feelings and journey with infertility, then I'm going to write about how I feel with someone petitions me for abortion funding. Period.

Here are a few randoms things from my week. I'm starting to realize that I don't exactly fall into the category of secondary infertility which usually means that the first pregnancy was conceived without treatment and "easily." Since I would have been diagnosed with primary infertility after a year of trying to conceive, but I never saw a doctor, and it took me almost two years to get one sense, I've always had a fertility issue. Most women in secondary infertility support groups, went off the pill and got pregnant right away. It wasn't until they tried to conceive a second child, that they ran into issues. I was never on the pill and hopeful for pregnancy every month for a long time.

But I've learned from the books I'm reading, that women who haven't yet had a child, have zero tolerance for women with secondary infertility in their support groups because they would "give their right arm to have one healthy child." Now, this really hasn't been my experience. Some of the most encouraging words have come from friends of mine who are still longing for their first child and they have found a way to sympathize with me and relate to my desire. I'm just glad that I'm joining a large community of infertility bloggers and I don't have to be a voice for any one's particular situation. I can just share my struggles and some women will relate, while others may think I'm nutso and ungrateful.  I'm okay with that. I'm okay with a lot things these days. After you live enough years, not getting what you want, you have one of two okay with it or not be! I'm choosing to live my life to the fullest right now, no matter what my circumstances...or the opinions of others. And thank God I live in a society where there is still freedom of expression!

I went to a 3 year old's birthday party yesterday and I was amused at one of the dads sharing with my husband and me how much harder it is to have more than one child, but how worthwhile it is. It was like he was trying to encourage us to go for it and not be afraid!  It's funny that in a city like Boston, most people assume we have one child by choice.  AND, most people assume we have plenty of time since I'm only 30 and they didn't decide to start their families till their late 30s, early 40s. If there is one "take home" lesson from this journey, it's never make assumptions...especially about people's family planning! I have been very guilty of this in the past, so I'm not speaking any sort of judgment here.

And speaking of judgements, I may have sounded harsh in the past about the "stupid" things people say to infertile women...BUT I sorta had a mini revelation on this matter just this summer. We were sitting in Israel around a table of food with dearly loved friends when their young daughter looked at me so sweetly and inquisitively and said, "When are you going to have another baby?" I know her mom probably wanted to sink under the table. I, however, needed that question. I needed to see that we all start out innocent in our curiosities and it's only with life experiences and the ensuing maturity, that we learn how to be sensitive with our queries.  Some of us grow up and lack awareness in certain areas, and it's left to the rest of society to gently educate us in our ignorance. At least, wouldn't it be nice if it was a gentle, gracious education? Seeing through the eyes of a child, who meant no discomfort to me, somehow helped me gain a greater perspective on grace. I decided to change my own tone when grown-ups say things that may rub me the wrong way and find a way to gently educate them with a response similar to the one I gave this precious little girl, "We would LOVE more children. Wouldn't that be wonderful?! We are ready when God decides to give us another one!"

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