Saturday, September 10, 2011

Returning to My Blog

When you haven't blogged in so long that you can't remember your log in information, that's not a good sign! Honestly, I have had a very challenging summer and haven't felt like writing about it. I wish I could journal through all the ups and downs but it's hard for me to write when I'm struggling.

Overall, I'm still much more at peace and settled than I've been in years. I'm very thankful for the child I have and for my dear husband and our life in Boston. After months of grueling job searching, I finally got hired in the Brookline Public School district. My job is working as a 1:1 Special Education Aide and due to very strict confidentiality laws, I will not be blogging much about my work. I'm very thankful for the job as we're finally finding ways to live on a very tight budget but make it here.

We enrolled Ethan in a Jewish preschool and he's very excited about his first day on Monday. Friday he went with David for a short session and he was asked to make the first song request....of course it would be his favorite bedtime song, "Jesus Loves Me." At least all the parents laughed and the teacher handled it brilliantly by affirming Ethan and saying, "I don't know that song but you can sing it to me later!" Ethan was satisfied with the answer and went on to request a different one. We're thankful for the opportunity to expose him more broadly to Jewish culture and traditions and even some Hebrew. And since we share the same values as our friends at this Temple, we're very thankful to be able to send him there.

Getting hired means I have to go back to the drawing board on choosing insurance companies and make a decision by this Monday. I will hopefully be going forward with treatment (IVF) this fall but I also don't feel like blogging about those details. I think I'll try to journal my experience privately to share more publicly later. I just know it's going to be very emotionally and physically draining for me and I don't need an audience anticipating pregnancy with me. I've even chosen not to share with our families. It's hard. Infertility takes some of the joy out of the anticipation of trying and the surprises that follow.

My biggest fear at this point, is coming this far and waiting this long, and then even IVF not working for us. All in all, I trust God's plan and purposes for our family. I feel loved and I feel blessed even though I haven't gotten everything I wanted in this life. I've been given far more than most people in this world, so I really can't complain. I'm just learning to accept that my heart will always ache for more children and  I will probably always have keen radar for pregnant bellies and newborns. It's hard to believe that Ethan is approaching 4 years old and we still have no idea when, if ever, he will have a sibling. This is all I can write without a stream of tears tonight.

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