Wednesday, September 28, 2011


And time keeps moving...
I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with working full-time and trying to keep everything running in my home. I'm on the path to getting everything organized so that I can better manage my time at home--a place for everything and everything in its place makes a world of difference when you don't have time to straighten up!

They say doing infertility treatment is a full-time job and I can see why some women have to quit their jobs to make it work.  I guess this fall will be a crazy juggling act for me. I've still decided not to talk about everything in "real" time. People have sent me private messages and asked how everything is going and I do welcome that. I just don't feel like making the whole process public. I do appreciate everyone's well wishes and prayers. It's been a long road and we still have a long road ahead of us.

At least I feel more resigned to our current situation. I can't say that I love it, but I'm at peace with my life. I know that God has only the best in mind for our family and I'm working to trust Him for our future. No matter what the circumstances, we all our faced with our trials of faith. I told David tonight that I wish I could make myself feel how I'm supposed to feel. I wish that when I needed to be content, I could just snap a finger and FEEL it and when I needed to be hopeful, I would be FILLED with hope. I do know I can pray and ask God to give me the emotional responses I need. It is also a choice and not always something I will be able to feel. So, I'm choosing to hope but I'm not feeling it right now. I'm choosing to have faith that whatever happens, it will be okay...definitely not feeling that one. And I'm trying to believe that all the details will work out even though I can't see how! I'm being stretched and I've never enjoyed stretching. I have learned that I'm better equipped for the hard stuff in life when God has done some pruning of my heart and soul.

I feel very sensitive these days....feel incredibly angry at those who dispose of babies. I read an article last week about a mother who suffocated her twin boys immediately after delivering them at home. All I could do was weep....but I wasn't just sad; I was so angry at the brokenness in this world. Some people have thanked me for so delicately handling this topic of infertility. These days, I don't feel very gracious. I walk by Planned Parenthood volunteers and just want to puke on their shoes...the thoughts that run through my head are not very nice. I don't want to be bitter but I simply have zero tolerance for killing tolerance for parents abandoning parenting. I hope with more time, I will find a more compassionate way to deal with these issues. All my heart feels right now is the sadness of wanting another child and the disbelief that others could throw away such a miracle. Meanwhile, Ethan keeps asking for a baby...the other night he asked if we could go buy baby toys for a baby brother. :)

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